Category Archives: BOOKS

Preface

Alone … is a horrible place to be and a devastating thing to feel. The feeling of complete seclusion can tear a person apart. It can leave a gaping hole so big in your heart that you feel extremely hollow inside. We were never meant to live this life that we have been given alone. Many times, we feel as though no one will ever understand the trauma that we have been through. We think, If only people knew what I was going through, they would think so differently of me. Our walls go up when we feel as though no one would understand. The walls begin to form layer by layer until we are barricaded behind walls within our hearts as thick as Fort Knox. It becomes nearly impossible for anyone to chisel the walls down and enter the sacred parts of us that are tucked so safely away. I want you to know from the depths of my heart that you are not alone. You are seen by a person who understands what you are going through. The hidden emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that you are enduring may be hidden from the naked eyes around you, but I see you. I see the seclusion that you feel. I see the suffering that you are going through. And even though you feel completely alone in a world filled with billions of people, you are not alone. Not only do I see you, but so does the creator of this world that we live in. 

This is a book filled with many of the emotions that I felt on this journey to discovering that I indeed have lived in a marriage where I have been abused. I denied it for so long because my husband didn’t lay a hand on me. I thought, This is not abuse! He is just mean to me, but he doesn’t hit me. There are women who are really being abused, and I am lucky that I am not being hit! The denial kept me trapped in a lie and living on autopilot. Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse are not discussed enough. This hidden and silent abuse is stuffed away in a corner with a drop cloth over it, just hoping that we can hide it and no one will see the damage it causes. This abuse isn’t taken seriously because we can’t see the wounds and scars that it leaves on the heart, soul, and mind of the victim. Most of the time, the victim doesn’t even realize they are in an abusive relationship because this form of abuse isn’t talked about enough. 

Let me give you the definition of emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, taken from a Google search: 

Emotional abuse … involves nonphysical behavior that belittles another person and can include insults, put downs, verbal threats or other tactics that make the victim feel threatened, inferior, ashamed or degraded. Emotional abuse can involve any of the following: 

Verbal abuse: yelling at you, insulting you or swearing at you. 

Rejection: constantly rejecting your thoughts, ideas and opinions. 

Gas lighting: making you doubt your own feelings and thoughts, and even your sanity, by manipulating the truth. 

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing. (Being aggressive towards you, denying they were aggressive, minimizing your feelings of pain from their behavior). 

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can impact your life in so many negative ways, leaving you feeling completely unsure of any thought that you may have. You begin to second-guess everything that you feel, and your confidence is completely destroyed, for your abuser will minimize everything you say and make you out to be the bad guy in every single situation. 

You are not alone! 

I see you! 

God sees you! 

As you read the pages of this book, my prayer is that you will feel validated. My prayer is that you will begin to come out of hiding and have the courage and strength to know that you are not alone. My prayer is that the walls around you will begin to crumble, and you will begin to know that you are beautiful. You are loved. You are cherished. You are valuable. You have a powerful voice. And you are seen. I see you. God sees you. 

In each journal entry, you will hear my heart’s cry as I began to understand exactly what I was going through as the veil was being lifted from my eyes that I was indeed being abused. I pray that you feel seen and understood by me. You will also find Bible verses included in some of my entries, God’s personal love letters to us, which I pray will help you feel seen by Him. 

There is such bravery and courage when you step into healing and seek counsel. I encourage you, if you haven’t already, to find a safe place to unpack your heart, whether it is with a counselor or a pastor. You will find a new strength welling up within you when you find the courage to go to that place you are afraid of that is buried deep beneath the surface of your heart and soul. A place that is hidden from the world and oftentimes hidden even from you. A place that is sacred and guarded with thick steel walls and padlocks on the doors. A place where pain and heartache reside. A place where your hurts have been placed so that you could survive. A place where tears are hidden away because there was no validation for your feelings. A place where rivers of sorrow are on the verge of escape because you know you must release it or else you will never make it. It is not weakness to seek help! It takes so much strength to go into a place of such despair and to repair all that is broken. It takes courage to face the things that have been stored away for so long. It takes bravery to walk into a vault of unknown boxes and stand before each one and unpack them. It takes a massive amount of strength, courage, and bravery to lay down the shield that has been protecting you for so long and face the heartache that has been hidden inside of you. I believe in you! You are worth the fight to heal! I pray that you discover your voice as you read the pages of this book. I pray that you feel seen as you begin to unpack all that is within you. 

She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are 

the God who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13 NIV)