Category Archives: BOOK BLITZ

INTRODUCTION

 

Dear Reader,

 

This book is both a novel and a collection of dialogues. 

 

The dialogues in this book are moving thought experiments. They portray elaborate, unfolding situations which, at every turn, force the reader to examine his or her philosophical intuitions about a range of topics, situations and people. 

 

These dialogues are not merely fiction told in dialogue form. Fiction is drama that may (incidentally) comment upon or examine philosophical issues. Drama normally involves scenes in which dialogue is used to set up and advance a plot. In this book, plots are used to set up and advance the dialogues of the characters.

 

The dialogues in this book are something like philosophy, because the dramatic elements are merely a pretext to examine the philosophical issues raised by the situations in which the characters talk to each other. The dialogues happen in real time and are often deeply frustrating, as dialogues are in real life. Reading this book, you may feel as though you are listening in on a series of intensely private conversations.

 

If you heard any of these conversations in real life, you might feel as though you were being privy to a rather juicy bit of gossip. Or you might call the police. You might shed a tear. You might even masturbate (and then read some more traditional philosophy). 

 

Like any piece of philosophy, the writing in this book is sometimes laborious. However, unlike traditional philosophy, the aim of this book is to explore, rather than resolve, a set of philosophical concerns. There are even issues raised in this book that many well-regarded philosophers find quite silly – too silly to take seriously as philosophy.

 

Love Before Covid is thus an attempt to invoke the gadfly spirit of Socrates in the 21st century, largely by abandoning the academic tradition he inspired. This book is expected to irritate both lovers of philosophy, as well as lovers of fiction. It may even irritate people from both sides of the 21st century’s culture wars. 

 

The plot concerns the love life of a man called Joe Pastorious. However, this book does not tell you what to think of Joe, nor does it sing his praises by showing how much he conforms to the most cherished values of our time. Like many non-fictional people, Joe Pastorious is a complex human being. You may love him or hate him. To call him imperfect would be an understatement, but the degree to which he is likeable or loathsome is thoroughly up to you. 

 

There are other fictional people in this book who also dialogue, but they only make appearances because of our protagonist. In some ways, they explain Joe, much more than Joe explains himself. 

 

Joe Pastorious met his wife Janet Waverley in the autumn of 1999. Joe and Janet fell in love in a place called Leicester, which is a small city in the middle of England. Many things have been said of Leicester, but one thing that is not said enough is it is a fantastic place to fall in love. It was the perfect place for Joe and Janet to fall in love. This is true, despite the fact that Joe and Janet’s love is anything but perfect. 

 

To truly understand the imperfect nature of this love, we must go back, not to the beginning, but to an imaginary autumn of 2002. It’s not enough to merely remember this autumn, from the vantage point of an imaginary present. We instead must adopt this moment’s perspective, seeing its events as though they were happening now. 

 

When in the present, one can’t predict the future. Hence, the present is the best place to understand imperfect people. When people are dead and we know absolutely everything they have ever done, this creates an illusion of certainty the present thankfully wipes away. You can’t trust a corpse, because there is nothing about a corpse’s decisions that may hurt or disappoint you.

 

A living, breathing person is not like this. They are only capable of being truly understood, when they can be trusted. They can only be fully trusted when their future is uncertain. 

 

Love’s power resides in the romance of this uncertainty.

 

 

PART ONE:

ROMANCE

 

“The common prejudice that love is as common as “romance” may be due to the fact that we all learned about it first through poetry. But the poets fool us; they are the only ones to whom love is not only a crucial, but an indispensable experience, which entitles them to mistake it for a universal one.” 

 

– Hannah Arendt

 

 

“Everyone must decide for himself whether it is better to have a brief but more intensely felt existence or to live a long and ordinary life.” 

 

– Rainer Werner Fassbinder

 

 

“You’re going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don’t do. You don’t get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you’re going to take.” 

 

– Jordan Peterson

 

1. ROMANCE: In the Beginning

 

Joe is attracted to Janet because she is beautiful, charming, interesting, intelligent, creative, courageous, funny and a great flirt. Janet is crazy about Joe for similar reasons. They have great conversations together. 

 

Joe thinks Janet is an amazing lover and has had more fun with her than he has had with any other person in his entire life. Janet shares all of Joe’s important religious and political views. She has similar tastes and shares his hobbies. Joe can spend long periods of time with Janet without either of them getting on each other’s nerves.

 

Janet helps Joe improve some of his weaknesses. Joe and Janet like most of the same people for the same reasons. Janet always considers Joe’s advice and very much respects his opinion. She often gives Joe good advice and shares a perspective with him that helps him see things he is sometimes blind to on his own.

 

Joe and Janet take their commitment to one another very seriously. Both of them will only leave the relationship if they think it isn’t working. Joe and Janet only say things to each other that are true. They do this while frequently combining their honesty with tact, so as to not hurt the other’s feelings. Joe is always there for Janet when she needs him and vice versa.

 

Janet has recently started going to therapy to work on problems she has with impulse control. Although Janet doesn’t believe that her problems have recently put her in any serious danger, she still worries they could get out of control in the future. After several months of therapy, Doctor Gillian Adams diagnoses Janet as a psychopath. After listening to Doctor Adams explain the reasons for this diagnosis, Janet agrees that she is indeed a psychopath.

 

Janet is a thrill seeker with completely self-interested motivations. On the inside, Janet cares about people she likes only because of what those people can give her (whether it’s good company, loyalty, practical help, fun experiences, stimulating conversation, good sex, advice, or money). She doesn’t care at all about people she dislikes who give her nothing. Janet can cry on cue to get what she wants.

 

Nevertheless, she believes that she is a benevolent psychopath. She believes she is a benevolent psychopath because she never tries to harm anyone. She also tries never to treat anyone unfairly. This is because she

understands that harming those she dislikes and treating them unfairly would give her less of what she wants in life. It’s not because she cares about the suffering or unfair treatment of people she dislikes.

 

Janet cares about Joe more than anyone because Joe gives her what she wants from a boyfriend. Most of the time, Joe is good company, fun, sexy, a good conversationalist and someone who is very supportive of her. 

 

Janet also cuts Joe a lot of slack. 

 

She allows him days when he is grumpy and isn’t good company because she understands that realistically, you can’t have a committed relationship unless you cut your partner some slack. However, if Joe were to permanently stop giving Janet the things that make her happy in their relationship, she would not hesitate to end it.

 

Janet knows that behaving selfishly and using people makes people she cares about dislike her. She knows behaving this way would especially make Joe dislike her. Because of this fact, she mostly behaves in a way where she doesn’t appear selfish or like she is using people. 

 

Sometimes she slips up. 

 

On a few occasions, Janet does show Joe behaviours he finds quite selfish. However, the amount of selfish behaviour she shows Joe is comparable to the amount of selfish behaviour he shows her. He isn’t a psychopath.

 

Nonetheless, when Joe finds out about Janet’s diagnosis, he feels frightened, overwhelmed and confused. He’s also feeling impulsive.

 

 

2. ROMANCE: Self-Interested Love

 

On the evening of November 5th, 2002, Joe decides to share his feelings with Janet, shortly after both of them have eaten a poorly cooked Mexican takeaway.  

 

It is 7:48pm. 

 

Joe: I don’t really know how to say this… you know I love you. You know I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known. But you being amazing isn’t going to solve this problem.

 

Janet: What problem?

 

Joe: It’s difficult for me to say this, but I think our relationship is unhealthy. 

 

Janet: (confused) What?

 

Joe: It’s not coming from the right place. It’s twisted.

 

Janet: I don’t understand. We enjoy each other’s company; we rarely fight; we help each other grow; we like and dislike most of the same people; we have the same values; we have great sex; we make each other laugh. It’s a great relationship, Joe. It’s the relationship most people wish they had!

 

Joe: Janet, you’re just listing things that benefit you.

 

Janet: Of course they benefit me.

 

Joe: Yeah and if they all stopped, what would you do? You’d fucking leave.

 

Janet: That’s so not fair. If I had a brain injury and became a horrible person that made you miserable, you’d leave as well. You’d have every right to.

 

Joe: But I’d be leaving because you became a different person. You’d leave for far less than that. What if I couldn’t have sex with you anymore? I dunno, if I got prostate cancer and couldn’t get erections or something? 

 

Janet: You know I’d be devastated if you got cancer!

 

Joe: You’d be devastated because of what it would mean for YOU. Then you’d be gone.

 

Janet: I wouldn’t be gone because I love too many other things… your companionship, your sense of humour, your kindness and sensitivity. Honestly, we could work around the sex, Joe. That’s not a problem. There are always ways to get each other off. You don’t need erections for everything.

 

Joe: But what if I suffered a depressive episode? What if I couldn’t be terribly good company to you for a number of years?

 

Janet: I’d help you through that the best I could. What else could I do?

 

Joe: You’d help me through it because you’d be waiting. 

 

Janet: Waiting for what?

 

Joe: You’d be waiting for me to come out of the depression and be charming again. If you thought I wouldn’t, you’d throw me away, like so many other things you toss in the bin.

 

Janet: If you were miserable for the rest of your life, what kind of relationship would this be? I’d be your bloody carer! You’d hardly ever talk to me. That wouldn’t make either of us happy.

 

Joe: Janet, that’s what a good relationship sometimes is. You know, ‘through richer, through poorer, in sickness and in health’ and all of that. 

 

Janet: You’re talking shit. That’s one person looking after someone else – someone they were in a relationship with.

 

Joe: Janet, that’s what you do for the person you love if they get ill. Love isn’t about being entertained. It’s about learning to love the person you’re with, no matter what they do or become.

 

Janet: Joe, nobody wants to love a person who can’t communicate with them. Nobody wants to love a person who’s become so damaged that they can’t be nice to anybody.

 

Joe: That’s where you’re wrong, Janet. You’re so wrong it’s disturbing.

Janet: Don’t be silly. If you had a depressive episode, I couldn’t know for certain you’d never come back to me, so it’s very very unlikely I’d leave you. I’d endure at least a few years of unpleasant behaviour, so you don’t have anything to worry about. If you ever get depressed again, we’ll work through it. I love you and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you get better.

 

Joe: But why is it in your self-interest to spend years of your life with someone so unpleasant? Why not just leave and find someone who isn’t depressed?

 

Janet: Because you’re so cool and interesting and sexy and sweet and lovely and wonderful and deep and just… amazing to me. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in another human being, Joe. I love being with you, whether you’re depressed or not. Your company is the best thing in my life. There’s nothing in it that’s better.

 

Joe: But you only love me because of my company! What about loving me for me?

 

Janet: (loudly) I do love you for you! You make me feel happy. Why is that so terrible?

 

Joe: You should love me even if I don’t make you happy, Janet.

 

Janet: Okay, let me understand this… you think people should stay in relationships even if those relationships make them miserable. You think people should suffer for love. If people are happy and no one’s suffering, something’s wrong. Is that what you’re trying to say to me?

 

Joe: All good relationships have rough periods – times where partners don’t make each other feel good. That’s life, Janet. You can’t just leave a partner during a rough patch because it’s in your self-interest!

 

Janet: But in a situation like that, it wouldn’t be in my self-interest to leave! I’d lose the chance to fix things. I’d rather put up with a few shit years than blow up everything that we’ve created together. Do you honestly think I would risk ending us that easily? You are my fucking soulmate!

Joe: I can’t be your soulmate, Janet.

 

Janet: What?

 

Joe: No one can be your soulmate because you don’t understand love. You only value me because of what you get from me. You don’t love me unconditionally. I don’t even feel like you love me anymore. I feel like someone… you’ve hired to be your boyfriend.

 

Janet: I haven’t hired you. I chose to be your girlfriend because I love you. It’s always been like that. 

 

Joe: How can you love as a psychopath? How can you really love me if all you love about me is what I give to you?

 

Janet: I can’t love you unless you give me things I love. You do give me them, for the most part. That’s why I love you, Joe. That’s why I’ve always loved you. It’s very simple.

 

Joe: That’s the problem, Janet.

 

Janet: (frustrated) I don’t understand why that’s a problem! I really don’t.

 

Joe: That’s another problem. You’re digging your own grave here, Janet.

 

Janet: I don’t know what you want me to say.

 

Joe: It’s not about what you say or how you behave. It’s about your motivations. You’re scared of us ending… because you’re scared of having to find someone else. You’re scared of not having someone to talk to every night. You’re scared of not having someone who makes you happy. That’s not real love, Janet. That’s shallow. 

 

Janet: This is ridiculous.

 

Joe: What’s ridiculous?

 

Janet: You’re breaking up with me… because of what amounts to a philosophical difference in the ways each of us interpret love.

Joe: (loudly) It’s not a fucking philosophical difference! I’m telling you how I feel!

 

Janet: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–

 

Joe: (interrupting) I don’t care if you’re sorry… I can’t do this! I do love you but I can’t be in a relationship with a fucking… someone who’s not right in the head! I wish my love for you could overcome this, but it can’t! You can’t do a healthy relationship! It’s sad and horrible but it’s the truth, Janet. You don’t love. You take.

 

Janet: Well, I don’t agree with you. The fact that I’m “not right in the head” has nothing to do with you not wanting to be with me. We get along great! This is just about a difference in how we interpret love and it’s a difference that doesn’t even matter, Joe. Think about it: think about all the conversations and the cuddles; think of all the fun and the joy, the help, trust, admiration, respect and support that happens every single day! Think about all the deep fucking love in those things. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

 

Joe: It’s not proper love if one of us can’t really love.

 

Janet: (agitated) That’s not fair! How am I supposed to prove that I can love you? Isn’t the last three years proof enough of that?

 

Joe: The more I watch you fight me, the more I can see how this relationship really works.

 

Janet: What are you on about?

 

Joe: You’re trying to fucking manipulate me! That’s what people like you do!

 

Janet: (loudly) Why is it wrong for me to fight to keep you? You’re the one thing in my day that makes everything else work. Being with you makes me feel like my life means something! You’re the one who’s off your head if you think I’ll let you ruin that without a fight!

 

Joe: It’s hardly a fight that shows you actually care how I feel.

 

Janet: (shouting) Of course I care how you feel! If you were miserable, you wouldn’t be with me!

Joe: Exactly. With you, it’s all just a self-interested calculation. Where’s the love in that?

 

Janet: Joe, from the bottom of my heart, I love you in the only way I know how to love anyone. This is how I love. I know I’m not perfect and the way I love isn’t perfect. But I can only be what I am.

Joe: I know and appreciate that, Janet.

 

Janet: Do you? Do you really?

 

Joe: Yes, but that’s why it’s not good enough. I need real love from a woman. Not what you give me. What you give me is wonderful but it’s not real. I wish I could be happy with it… but I just can’t.

 

Janet: (looking very sad) All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy with me. I don’t want you to be with me if I don’t make you happy. I’m only with you… because I thought we made each other happy.

 

Joe: We did make each other happy before I found out who you really are.

 

Janet: (distressed) My God, Joe.

 

Joe: What?

 

Janet: (beginning to cry) Hearing you say these things to me… it hurts. I don’t normally feel things like this. I can’t even describe it. I don’t even know how to handle emotions like this because–

 

Joe: (interrupting) We are finished, Janet! Don’t waste your time trying to change my mind. We are over and there is nothing you can do about it!

 

Janet: (tears streaming down her face) What are you doing? Why are you saying these things to me? I thought I could trust you. You said I could trust you not to hurt me like this!

 

Joe: (angrily) You don’t fucking know what hurt is! You’re only upset because I’m inconveniencing you! You’ll get someone else tomorrow and act like you never met me! You’re only sad because I’m depriving you of something that amuses you, something you like to depend on. You’re losing one of your favourite wind-up toys! That’s all that I am!

 

Janet: (crying) It’s not like losing one of my favourite wind-up toys! It’s like losing my favourite toy that I’ve ever known, the toy that makes me feel like I’m capable of being a happy person!

 

Joe: (yelling) I’m not a FUCKING toy, Janet! I’m a person! I’m not here just to keep you happy!

 

Janet: (crying) But I thought I made you happy!

 

Joe: You did make me happy… but your happiness and your hurt have nothing to do with me.

 

Janet: (crying) Anybody in my position would be hurt right now!

 

Joe: Anyone who has empathy would be hurt if they were in your position. I don’t even know whether you actually have empathy. That’s one of the reasons I can’t be with you.

 

Janet: (crying) All I have is what I give you.

 

Joe: (shouting) It’s not good enough!

 

Janet: (wiping away tears) I still can’t understand why.

 

Joe: Because you’re just using me! You’re totally selfish!

 

Janet: (passionately) But I try so hard to never make you feel like that! I work so hard not to come across like I’m acting selfishly or being insensitive or using you or anyone else! I have to try way harder than you to adequately project that. It’s incredibly exhausting but I do it because I love you!

 

Joe: (adamantly) That’s the problem! It’s a projection. It’s not real. You’re acting out all this behaviour just to keep me from leaving you! I understand the effort you put into it but that effort doesn’t change a thing. You’re not a giver. You’re nice to our friends but it’s only because of what they give you. If they ever pissed you off, you’d hate them!

 Janet: That is not true. I love our friends for the same reasons you do. Do you mean to tell me that if they all turned into obnoxious dickheads, you’d still meet them for coffee?

 

Joe: I’m not talking about them turning into dicks! I’m talking about them just doing something that really made you angry. If any of our friends really upset you, you’d hate them. You wouldn’t want them in your life anymore. They wouldn’t get any second chances. That’s the kind of person you are.

 

Janet: No, I’d be nice to them and have them in my life if I knew it meant a lot to you. I’m not a fucking twat.

Joe: That doesn’t matter. You still wouldn’t care about them and that’s how we’re different. If they made me angry, I wouldn’t automatically reject them. I could be patient.

 

Janet: Haven’t I been patient with you?

 

Joe: That’s different! You’re patient with me because I’m your boyfriend.

 

Janet: I’ve been very very patient with you, Joe. In fact, I’m being patient with you right now.

 

Joe: That’s because when you’re patient with me… you get serious fucking rewards. Your friends only get to stick around if they don’t upset you. All you care about is whether or not they’re pleasant company, whether you can have interesting conversations with them. You don’t value them because of who they are.

 

Janet: (defensively) I value my friends because they’re the people I like, Joe. I can’t be a good friend to someone if I don’t like them. And it’s hard to like someone if you don’t have much in common or have totally different values. That’s normal.

 

Joe: (loudly) No, it’s not! You yourself said you don’t care about what happens to people you don’t like!

 

Janet: (frustrated) But I only dislike all the same people you dislike!

Joe: But I could feel bad if someone I didn’t like got cancer. You couldn’t!

 

Janet: Why the fuck does that matter?

 

Joe: It matters because it means you can’t empathise with people who wind you up! You can only feel affection for people when they give you things on your terms! That’s why you can’t understand friendship any more than you can understand love. You’re a psychopath! You can behave like a nice person but it’s all an act! On the inside, you’re rotten.

 

Janet: (crying again) Jesus, you’re being cruel…! How can you say that to me?

 

Joe: Those tears of yours are a good example of what I’m talking about. You could just be acting now. How do I know?

Janet: (crying) You don’t trust me.

 

Joe: Nope.

 

Janet: (crying) Even after everything we’ve been through together, you still don’t fucking trust me. Nothing I did was good enough.

 

Joe: You don’t have a mind anyone can trust.

 

Janet: So it’s my mind you can’t trust. You love my behaviour but hate the way my mind works. Is that it?

 

Joe: I can only know your behaviour. I can’t know you. I can’t know whether I’m ever being manipulated or whether I’m in danger. Suppose you suddenly get upset and can’t help doing something impulsive. I can’t even imagine the crazy shit you’re capable of!

 

Janet: Joe, what have I been like throughout our time together?

 

Joe: You ‘behaved’ really well. You ‘behaved’ like my soul mate.

 

Janet: Are you honestly saying you think I tricked you into believing you love me?

 

Joe: Yes, I do. I know you’d prefer it if I hid that from you, but I can’t.

 

Janet: I wouldn’t prefer that. I wouldn’t want you to hide anything you were feeling about me that’s important for me to know. You can tell me what I need to hear without being cruel about it, though. You don’t have to hurt me like this.

 

Joe: I’m not trying to hurt you, Janet. I’m just being honest with you.

 

Janet: It feels like you’re trying to punish me.

 

Joe: I couldn’t punish you even if I tried! You have the thickest skin of anyone I’ve ever met. You have resilience a normal person doesn’t. You won’t be hurt by this experience. You’ll learn from it like you always do. Nothing fazes you.

 

Janet: (with a look of despair in her eyes) Tell me what I’m supposed to learn.

 

Joe: (beginning to cry) Learn that normal people, people who aren’t like you… we are incredibly imperfect. I’m not better than you just because you’re a psychopath. I’m horrible on the inside too. It’s not as if I’m a wonderful person and you’re a monster. I’m not a good boyfriend for anyone. When you realise that, you’ll move on and be happy. I’m too damaged.

 

Janet: (still crying) Then why can’t you try and be better? Why can’t you try to love me? Why can’t you just accept and love my behaviour towards you?

 

Joe: You are lovely in your behaviour, but I don’t just want lovely behaviour in a girlfriend. I want a lovely person. You can’t be that because your brain’s deformed. You were one of nature’s mistakes. You’re like poison fucking candy. Your mum should have aborted you. 

 

Janet: (crying) Oh God, that’s such a nasty thing to say to someone! I don’t understand why you have to–

 

Joe: (interrupting) I’m sorry but I can’t help being honest–

 

Janet: (interrupting) Have I ever said anything cruel like that to you?

 

Joe: No, you haven’t…

Janet: (angrily) I don’t say mean things like that to you because I love you! You’re my favourite person and I would never want to hurt you if I could help it!

 

Joe: You’re not my favourite person anymore, Janet.

 

Janet: (wiping away tears) I suppose I’m not.

 

Joe: Yesterday you were my favourite person. You were my favourite person because you acted like my best friend. You behaved in a way that made you seem exciting and amazing, like someone completely unlike anyone else on this planet. It was a great performance. That performance is the reason we lasted this long. But I can’t keep giving you what you want from me. It’s doing my head in. I can’t put up with you being nice to me… so you can get me to do things for you.

 

Janet: (wiping away tears) I’m not nice to you so I can get you to do things for me! Being nice to you gives me pleasure. I get pleasure from being with you! I enjoy watching you be happy. I always have, Joe.

Joe: Yeah, you either manipulate me or give yourself pleasure. Do you think I want to waste my life in a relationship with someone like that?

 

Janet: (loudly) I can’t do anything other than that! I can’t do anything other than be me!

 

Joe: That’s why you need to stay the fuck away from me. 

 

Joe breaks up with Janet.

3. ROMANCE: Forgiveness

After breaking up with Janet, Joe is devastated. He spends the next six months in a depression. During that depression, he tries to contact Janet in order to salvage something like a friendship with her. She ignores his calls and emails. By the winter of 2003, Joe has gained three stone. He is ashamed of his new body but can’t motivate himself to lose weight. Joe is beginning to wonder if he made the right decision when he broke up with Janet.

At the start of the following year, Joe’s mother Jodie Green is diagnosed with bladder cancer. In the span of a few months, Jodie transforms from a feisty and acerbic woman into a mournful and despondent victim of a torrid terminal illness, frequently delirious because of the constant painkillers she requires in order to get through each day. By June of 2004, Jodie has made peace with the fact that she doesn’t have long to live. 

During the final week of July, a weak and ailing Jodie requests to see all the people in her life that meant something to her. She wants to wish them well, to thank them for being a part of her life and to apologise for any pain she has caused them in the past. Jodie even requests to see Janet, despite the fact that Janet is no longer in a relationship with her son. Joe sends Janet an email explaining the situation. Janet does not respond. Joe sends Janet a second, more histrionic email pleading with Janet to meet him for lunch to discuss a potential visit with Jodie, at Glenfield Hospital. 

After this second email, Janet reluctantly agrees to meet Joe for coffee (but not lunch) at 1pm, on August 7th, 2004. Janet is in a particularly foul mood that day. She’s not only deeply irritated by the hot weather of this particular August afternoon; she has also just found out that a graphic novel she wrote has been rejected by the publisher she most wanted to accept it. 

Shortly after 1pm, Joe and Janet are the only customers sitting at a table, smoking cigarettes outside a trendy sandwich shop called ‘Stones’. Stones is in St Martin’s Square, a small courtyard in Leicester’s City Centre. Despite the heat, Joe and Janet are sitting at this outdoor table because it’s still cooler outside than inside. Joe and Janet’s table is also the only outdoor table bathed in the shade of a nearby tree.  

Stones is virtually empty today, despite its popularity. There are only three customers inside the building, all with their backs to the window. Joe and Janet are the only customers who happen to be sitting outside, facing St Martin’s Square. St Martin’s Square seems generally deserted, as most people are watching the Caribbean Carnival procession snaking through the middle of the City Centre. Even in Stones, one can hear deep reggae baselines drowning out the sounds of a cheering crowd of everyday people, accompanied by their enthusiastic children. There’s going to be a firework display later this evening. 

Unlike the families at the Caribbean Carnival procession, Joe and Janet are not everyday people. They are fairly unique among the citizens of Leicester, as both of them can’t stand being around fireworks, children, or community festivals. Any public event that attracts everyday people is normally an event they stay far away from. This is why Joe and Janet hate the Caribbean Carnival. They also hate townie pubs. They can’t stand the house and cheesy pop music tracks, typically played in Leicester night clubs. They even dislike dancing in public. 

Joe and Janet do, however, like Gay Pride. This is because they approve of Gay Pride, politically. But just because they approve of the politics of Gay Pride, this does not mean they would ever go to Gay Pride. Gay Pride, after all, normally contains lots of cheesy pop music, as well as dancing in public. 

If Joe and Janet ever go out to hear live music in town, they will either attend jazz, electronic, or experimental music concerts. Their musical tastes have remained this way, even though they no longer talk about music together. Since they broke up, they no longer have conversations. 

August 7th, 2004, is the first day since November 5th, 2002, that Joe and Janet are having a conversation. 

It is 1:16pm. 

 Joe: Thank you for meeting me here. I know it’s awkward, but I really appreciate it.

Janet: I know you do.

Joe:  Look, before we go any further, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I hated saying all those things to you.

Janet: That didn’t stop you from saying them.

Joe: (speaking slowly) I know and I’m just… so sorry so much of it was insensitive and horrible. I just freaked out, really – I couldn’t handle the diagnosis. I started worrying about not understanding you. I couldn’t make sense of my feelings. It was stupid, I was stupid and said some unbelievably awful shit.

Janet: (looking down) I can’t even tell you how much you hurt me.

Joe: (emphatically) And that was the last thing I ever wanted! I never ever wanted to hurt you, Janet.  

Janet: Then why’d you do it?

Joe: (sadly) When I said you were just… pretending to be a good person, I think I was almost… verbalising my fears about the diagnosis. I was mad. I was worried my experience of you being so wonderful was just this… big illusion. 

Janet: That’s ridiculous, Joe.

Joe: I know it is. I know I should have trusted my experience of knowing you. That fucking diagnosis made me feel like I couldn’t trust or understand anyone! I was in free fall. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the world!

Janet: (abruptly) Then you should have waited until your head calmed down before you made any major decisions!

Joe: Yeah, ideally. But the reality was you suddenly told me you were a fucking nutter, Janet. Psychopaths aren’t nice people. They’re cold conniving bastards. That’s what people think… when they know you’ve been diagnosed that way. You’re a movie villain, basically.

Janet: (loudly) But you shouldn’t have thought that! You knew me intimately, Joe. You saw me nearly every day. We lived together for two years!

Joe: I know this, Janet. I know I made a huge mistake.

Janet: Nearly every day, I had fun with you, brainstormed with you, went for walks with you, gave you advice, asked for your advice, wrote with you, listened to music with you, watched films with you, talked to your friends, made you laugh, made you orgasm. I even bathed you when you were depressed, for fuck’s sake!  

Joe: You did do all that… and it was incredible.

Janet: (indignantly) I was incredible! I held you when there were tears in your eyes, always. I calmed you down when you were anxious! I was even patient when you were behaving like a child. I was fucking loyal to you when I didn’t have to be!

Joe: I know you were. 

Janet: I put up with shit most people wouldn’t have even understood.

Joe: (with deep regret) You were amazing, Janet. There’s no two ways about that.

Janet: So your fear of me was bigotry.

Joe: (looking down) Maybe it was. I don’t know what it was, really. All I know is it was wrong. I hate knowing what I did. 

Janet: Does that mean you want me to feel sorry for you?

Joe: No, I just want you to know how sorry I am.

Janet: You emotionally destroyed me, Joe. You happily tossed me aside ‘cause I have patterns of behaviour that deviate from the socially accepted habits of normal people. And you don’t even like normal people! 

Joe: I’m not asking for sympathy. I just wanted to explain to you why I reacted the way I did.

Janet: (adamantly) You reacted the way you did because you lacked the decency to see what was right in front of your face for three years!

Joe: Maybe I wasn’t strong enough… but it’s hard finding out your partner is a psycho without it making you doubt shit. I mean–

Janet: (interrupting abruptly) Hearing about my diagnosis didn’t ‘make’ you do anything! You chose to reject me because you couldn’t do the decent and humane thing of trusting your actual experience of me!

Joe: Well, yeah, but anyone would doubt their experience of a partner if they got a psycho diagnosis. Come on, Janet. Think about how you’d feel if you were me. 

Janet: (sarcastically) I can’t do that, remember. I’m a psychopath. 

Joe: (sighing) Janet, I was scared of you. I was fucking frightened and I only did what anyone would do. 

Janet: Yeah, anyone who let fear cloud their judgement, anyone who let cowardice push them into bigotry.

Joe: (frustrated) You don’t have to keep saying it! I know it was horrible! It was bigoted and it was nasty and I still hate myself for it, okay? I hate breaking up with you more than anything I’ve ever done, Janet. It’s torn me up inside! I can’t even describe how much pain I’m in because I lost you, but how I reacted is how anyone would react!

Janet: It isn’t, Joe. It’s not normal to turn into a horrible bastard when you’re afraid of something you don’t understand.

Joe: Unfortunately, it is. And it’s normal to think you might not be able to cope in a relationship with a psychopath! It was a horrible mistake, I was a complete twat, but it was still understandable, under the circumstances. 

Janet: (emphatically) No it wasn’t! You were fucking sadistic! You said I was a shitty partner for you, that I didn’t understand love and friendship and that I was only ‘behaving’ like a nice person! 

Joe: I’ve said worse to other people, Janet. It wasn’t even that bad. With my dad, I once said–

Janet: (interrupting loudly) You said I was rotten on the inside and that my mum should have aborted me! You said my brain was deformed! 

Joe: You have to translate me sometimes, I–

Janet: (interrupting again) I’ve never been hurt like that by anyone in my whole fucking life, Joe. I loved you and trusted you and you made me feel like I should fucking do myself in! I would never do that to you and I’m the one who’s supposed to be dangerous!

Joe: (sighing) I know that. I totally misjudged everything and made the worst choices – the worst choices I’ve ever made about anything. I wish I could take back everything I said that night. It was like a different person came over me.

Janet: That’s an excuse. It wasn’t a different person. It was you.

Joe: (softly) It was the side of me I’m ashamed of. 

Janet: Well, no side of me would ever say those things to you, no matter what diagnosis any therapist gave you. I went out of my way all the time to express my feelings to you tactfully. I always made a huge effort to treat you with kindness!

Joe: I know you did. You were wonderful and I regret what happened every day, Janet. I’ve had to go to therapy about this. I’m on anti-depressants. I’ve been in bed for weeks on end.

Janet: (shaking her head) You got off easy peasy compared to me.

Joe: (irritated) Look, I understand you’re cross, but you don’t realise or even understand what I’ve had to go through without you even bothering to return my calls or emails. You don’t know how hard I’ve worked with my therapist to even be sitting here with you!

Janet: You should have worked harder to stop yourself from turning into a lump of lard.

Joe: (frustrated) I know that. I know I look like shit, but this is the best I can do right now.

Janet: The best you can do?

Joe: (defensively) I’ve been suffering from a depression! I struggle to get out of bed, let alone do anything. The only thing I can manage is comfort eating and that’s obviously not good for me. I totally lost my sense of portion control. It’s emotional eating that’s doing me in, so that’s what I have to work on. I’m trying to break out of these habits so I can slim down! 

Janet: (sarcastically) Nice one! I never knew chocolate cake for lunch was soooo healthy.

Joe: (irritated) Losing weight doesn’t mean you can’t have a piece of cake! It’s the calories you eat throughout the day that matter!

Janet: Whatever.

Joe: (sighing) Look, I can only do what I can to try and get my life back together at a pace that works for me. I’m trying my best to just get back to normal! I can’t do it all at once. I’m trying to learn how to cope with daily routines. I haven’t been able to write for the past year and a half!

Janet: I can see where this is going. You want me to feel sorry for you.

Joe: You’re not hearing me, Janet.

Janet: You want me to see how unattractive you’ve made yourself. You’re going to say that the reason I should feel sorry for you is that you’re riddled with guilt about what you did to me. The guilt has made you feel lazy and useless and so you have become lazy and useless. But I can rescue you. You need my love to make you whole again. Is that where this is going?

Joe: I’m obviously not explaining myself well. I’m not looking for sympathy. 

Janet: If you don’t want sympathy, then why explain yourself to me at all?

Joe: (with deep sadness) I guess it’s part of the closure we never had. It’s something like healing.

Janet: Well, of course. You can feel healed if you think I might pity you.

Joe: (frustrated) No, it’s not like that!

Janet: Then tell me how it is, Joe.

Joe: (with tears in his eyes) I don’t care whether you accept my apology! I have to apologise for me. If I can apologise, I know that I’ve done everything I can to atone for my mistakes. I’m sorry, Janet. You can take or leave my sorry. I still have to say it.

Janet: You always play the victim. It’s pathetic how manipulative you are.

Joe: (sarcastically) Thanks for all your understanding and empathy.

Janet: (angrily) You don’t get any empathy! You can’t bear the pain of knowing you betrayed me. So you want forgiveness when you deserve fucking hate!

Joe: Fair enough, Janet. I do want your forgiveness. 

Janet: (with contempt) And then when you figure out that an apology isn’t going to give you your precious forgiveness, you apologise anyway. Why? Because it makes YOU feel better, you fucking hypocrite!

Joe: Why am I a hypocrite?

Janet: (loudly) Because you’re apologising for YOU! Not for me!

Joe: I’m apologising because I hate knowing I hurt you, Janet.

Janet: (loudly) You being sorry has nothing to do with you asking for my forgiveness!

Joe: (loudly) Of course it does!  

Janet: Did it ever occur to you that it might make me feel good not forgiving you? Did you ever think that perhaps forgiving you might be harder and more painful than simply forgetting you?

Joe: (indignantly) You forgave me for plenty of other things I apologised to you about before. I don’t see why you can’t forgive me now.

Janet: I forgave you because I loved you then! I knew I had to put up with some of your idiotic behaviour because that was the price I had to pay for your good side. I was happy to pay that price before you betrayed me.

Joe: (ardently) I didn’t betray you! I got scared and was unfair to you. But I never wanted you to be in any pain! I love you, Janet. I’m still in love with you!

Janet: Why should I believe you?

Joe: (pleading with Janet) I don’t know… All I can tell you is how much I hate everything I did. The things I said to you when we broke up… they were the worst mistakes of my life! I didn’t mean any of them and I wish with all my heart that I could take them back! Every single one of them!

Janet: (loudly) You can’t take them back! You said them! You’re going to have to live with what you’ve done. Take some responsibility!

Joe: I am responsible! I was in the wrong, but I’ve definitely paid the price for that. I’ve suffered so much since then, Janet. I just don’t want to keep on suffering. I wanted you to come here so we could put this behind us.

Janet: (abruptly) Don’t fucking lie to me! You wanted me to come here so I would visit your porn star mum.

Joe: So are you gonna be permanently angry with me now?

Janet: (irritated) I’m angry because I’m here and can see you! Not having you around is best for me ‘cause then I don’t have to deal with the anger. I’m not normally an angry person and I find anger unpleasant.

Joe: Then why does me wanting to come to a truce make you so angry?

Janet: (rolling her eyes) Because you betrayed me! How many times do I need to keep saying that? If someone betrays another person who loved them and they feel bad, they deserve it! You’re not even taking that on board. You think you deserve a truce with me and you don’t!

Joe: I never said I deserved a truce with you.

Janet: Then why do you want one?

Joe: (sighing) I don’t know… I thought it could be the best thing for both of us. I know there isn’t a chance of us getting back together, but I thought maybe we could still be friends. I thought holding a grudge would just… make everything more difficult.

Janet: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my grudge, Joe. It’s deserved.

Joe: That doesn’t matter. Holding a grudge eats you up inside. For me, anger’s a destructive emotion. I would think it is for most people.

Janet: (with disdain) That just means holding a grudge eats YOU up inside. But you’re not the one with the grudge, it’s me. And my grudge suits me fine, thank you.

Joe: So you think you can be happy hating me and writing off  how important a part of your life I was?

Janet: (sarcastically) How kind of you to pretend to appeal to my self-interest, Joe. I’m sorry to inform you that unlike you, I can be very happy hating you.

Joe: Well, that’s not healthy. Hate isn’t a healthy emotion.

Janet: (loudly) It’s not a healthy emotion for people like you! I’m a psychopath, remember. I don’t need to forgive people because I’m too weak to carry a grudge!

Joe: It’s not a sign of weakness to forgive people, Janet. It’s a sign that you love people. 

Janet: Forgiveness is a necessary evil. In this case, it’s not necessary. I don’t love you anymore. You saw to that.

Joe: (frustrated) But forgiveness isn’t evil! Forgiveness is love. That’s what love is! 

Janet: Everyone you love makes mistakes. You cut them slack or else you can’t love them. But if they betray you and the love is no longer there, you no longer have to forgive their transgressions. In fact, there’s nothing that feels nicer than hating someone when they bloody deserve it. That’s justice.

Joe: You sound like you enjoy hating me as much as you liked loving me.

Janet: It’s not even comparable, Joe. On most days I don’t even experience the hate I’m feeling now. I don’t waste my time thinking about you.

Joe: I think you’re confusing hatred with hurt.

Janet: (loudly) I can tell the difference between hate and hurt, you fucking bellend!

Joe: Janet, come on, you know you don’t really hate me. You know you wouldn’t be here if–

Janet: (interrupting) You don’t know anything about me! You assume that because of the time we shared together that I’ll always have a fondness for you. I don’t succumb to sentimentality that easily, Joe. I have dignity and self-respect that you don’t. You can’t make me love you if I choose not to!

Joe: (incredulous) How much more suffering do I need to go through before you think I got what I deserved? Do you want me to be debilitated for the rest of my life? Would that make you happy?

Janet: No, that wouldn’t be proportionate to what you have done.

Joe: What would be then?

Janet: You gave up and betrayed me. You deserve no love, no forgiveness and no sympathy from me. Ever. If that makes you miserable for the rest of your life, good. You deserve to suffer. If you’re in any pain because of me, that’s your problem. As far as I’m concerned, you brought it on yourself.

Joe: (disgusted with Janet) So you see yourself on some righteous crusade to see if you can be happy at my misery?

Janet: I don’t need to be on a crusade to do that! I’m a psychopath, Joe. It’s very easy for me to be happy your mum’s got bladder cancer. If it was up to me, she’d also have breast cancer. That woman is nothing but a violent and emotionally abusive cunt. I would say I’m glad she’s dying, but now I’m not so keen on you being relieved of that burden. You deserve a few more years of that nasty overbearing bitch.

Joe: (shocked) What the fuck, I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you! I’ve never seen you like this before.

Janet: It’s about time you did. It’s about time you actually listened to me.

Joe: (shaking his head) You’re being so cruel, it’s unbelievable. 

Janet: (angrily) You think I’m the one who’s being cruel? You’re the one who made excuses for her while she terrorised your dad every day! She nearly beat your sister to death, and you never told the authorities! You never told your stepdad about any of that when he decided to have a baby with her! You think that’s not cruel?

Joe: (loudly) She’s my mum and she’s dying!

Janet: (loudly) And she’s having the luxury of dying! She’s only forty-eight. She deserves to live at least another thirty years in unbearable pain! That would be fair, given how she’s treated the people in her life. She deserves all the fear and anguish and suffering that cancer can give a person!

Joe: If you feel that way, why did you come here today?

Janet: Because I thought it would be fun to tell you to your fucking face that I’m happy we’ll all be rid of her. That woman is nothing but a nasty piece of shit. If I could get away with it, I’d have killed her years ago.

Joe: (taken aback) Wow…

Janet: (smiling sadistically) You’re not the only one who can be cruel when they want to be, Joe.

Joe: I guess not. But if this is the real you, I’m glad I’m finally seeing it.

Janet: (yelling loudly) The real me chose to be a good partner for you! And the effort I made to be benevolent and kind was an effort you will never understand!

Joe: You were manipulating me, Janet.

Janet: (shouting) I changed my fucking personality for you! 

Joe: (loudly) I didn’t want that!

Janet: (yelling angrily) Yes you did, you prick! I gave you everything you ever wanted from a woman! 

Joe: (loudly) I didn’t want you to have to work so hard to be a decent human being! I wanted that to be natural! I didn’t want to be with someone whose kindness was totally at odds with their nature. That was terrifying!

Janet: (loudly) You’re lying! I never scared you before I told you about my diagnosis! I know when you’re scared and when you’re not. I could make anyone frightened for their life in two seconds! You know I don’t fucking do that! I work hard to be kind.

Joe: (emphatically) That’s fake! It’s not kindness if you have to work at it!

Janet: (loudly) It absolutely is! You made me work to be kind every fucking day!

Joe: (shaking his head) It wasn’t genuine. You forced yourself to be kind, but I didn’t want to be with someone who has to force it.

Janet: (angrily) I forced myself to be kind because I loved you! I never lied to you about anything you needed to know! I never hurt your feelings; I listened; I was patient; I was forgiving. It nearly killed me, but I did it all because I wanted to be good for you! You made me feel things I didn’t understand! I never loved anything that hard! I hurt myself for you, Joe. I fucking hurt myself!

Joe: If it hurt so much, why didn’t you split up with me?

Janet: Because I would have died for you, Joe. I loved you more than anything! You were my soulmate. 

Joe: I obviously wasn’t if you hate me now.

Janet: (with disgust) No, you were and then you ruined it. That’s why I’ll never be able to love you again. That’s why I can’t stand you now. You’re a fucking traitor.

Joe: (definitively) We were never soul mates, Janet. My soul mate is a person who can forgive weaknesses in other people. You aren’t that person.

Janet: (loudly) I forgave you for all the days you were grumpy and sulky! I forgave you for that horrible fucking family you made me be nice to because it was your family and I loved you!

Joe: I don’t think you ever really did forgive me. You pretended to forgive me so I would be more fun and amusing for you later. You tried to manipulate me into being whatever you wanted. That’s not a soul mate, Janet. That’s a dog trainer.

Janet: (boiling with anger) You lying fat piece of shit! I can’t believe what a sad fucking excuse for a human being–

Joe: (interrupting) I was right about you! I was right about you not knowing what love is! Love is about forgiving people who hurt you. Love is about even being able to forgive people you hate! 

Janet: (shouting) Fuck off! That’s abuse! That’s the love you have for your mother! She spent most of your childhood beating and humiliating you and you won’t stop loving her! You’re pathetic!

Joe: Would you lower your voice please?

Janet: (loudly) Make me, you fucking coward!

Joe: So I’m a coward because I choose to forgive my dying mother for her faults?

Janet: (angrily) You’re a coward because you eat shit from the women that are supposed to love you! You think love means tolerating abuse. That’s why you’re pathetic! That’s why you weren’t good enough for me.

Joe: (indignantly) No, that’s why I’m better than you, Janet. I’m not a psycho. I can be human in ways you can’t. I can love people unconditionally. I can give love to somebody like my mother. I can love her even after all the things she’s done to me!

Janet: That’s ‘cause you have no dignity. It’s sick what you let her do to you. 

Joe: (passionately) It’s not sick! I’m loving the woman who brought me into the world! And I’m forgiving her because she needs to be at peace with herself. 

Janet: You’re forgiving a woman who tried to rape you. She only stopped when you met me.

Joe: (defensively) My mother never hurt me as much as she was hurt by her own parents! That was all she knew when she raised me, but her illness is changing her, Janet. I can see her differently now that she’s dying. I can see her good side for the first time. She’s very vulnerable. I can see vulnerability in her for the first time!

Janet: (rolling her eyes) She doesn’t have vulnerability. She nearly killed you when you were a kid, sexually abused you when she got tired of kicking your face in and now wants you to forgive it all because she’s dying. She’s a nasty piece of work. 

Joe: (loudly) But she wasn’t always like that! She could be fun sometimes.

Janet: You were only pretending to have fun to placate her because you were scared and you wanted to shove down how much you hated her. That’s your coping mechanism.

Joe: (frustrated) I know it is… I know she made a state of her life… but she tried her best to be a good mother, Janet. She wanted to love me, even though she couldn’t do it very well.

Janet: She should have been sterilised, Joe. 

Joe: (looking down) I don’t care. I can’t hate her. I can’t hate the woman who gave me my love of books. She introduced me to jazz and Bergman films. She taught me how complicated people can be!

Janet: She’s not complicated. She’s an evil bitch. Evil people do evil shit because everyone always forgives them.

Joe: (loudly) That’s bollocks! Everyone needs the chance to be forgiven when they leave this earth, Janet. It doesn’t matter who they are or what they’ve done! My mother’s a human being!

Janet: (loudly) Your mother’s a fucking cunt! You’re delusional if you think you should forgive her for anything! She deserves to die knowing you and everyone else who had the misfortune of knowing her hates her! It’s not fair to forgive someone when they deserve to be despised. It’s not fair to all the people who deserve to be loved!

Joe: Janet, she’s my mum! She doesn’t have to apologise to me for anything. I don’t think she necessarily deserves to be forgiven for all the things that she’s done to me, okay? I can’t deny how much she hurt me and my sister. But I don’t have much time with her and I love her… I love her and so I want to forgive her.

Janet: Yes, and reward her for her life of hurting people. That’s unjust and insane. 

Joe: You can’t apply justice to human relationships. 

Janet: (categorically) Nothing is more important to me than justice.

Joe: (angrily) That’s because you’re fucking arrogant! No one can be perfect all the time! If you can only forgive people when they deserve it, people can’t ever grow and change!

Janet: (loudly) Rewarding bad behaviour doesn’t make people change! It enables them! If the only reason people change is they get a reward, they haven’t changed! They’ve just blackmailed you!

Joe: (shouting) But that’s what most people are like!

Janet: (angrily) It doesn’t matter! If people can only be nice by getting rewarded for being horrible, they don’t deserve rewards. They deserve contempt! You reap what you sow!

Joe: Janet, if what you’re saying is true, no parent should ever love a child.

Janet: (even more disgusted with Joe) God, I expected so much better from you. But hey, maybe we were never soul mates. I need to be with a man with enough self-respect to avoid becoming such a slimy fucking coward. You were such a waste of my time, Joe. I’m so glad I can see that now. I’m so glad I can see that I made the mistake of loving a man who thinks abuse is love.

Joe: (even more disgusted with Janet) You don’t understand people! 

Janet: (loudly) You don’t understand abuse!

Joe: (loudly) Ordinary people can’t live up to your high standards! You can’t love people if you can’t cut them slack for not being perfect!

Janet: (shouting) Your mother abuses you and that’s what you think love is! You won’t stand up to her! You won’t tell her to stop punishing your father! You make the people she hurts feel like you’re against them too! That’s the kind of person you are! 

Joe: (loudly) I’m a person who loves people!

Janet: No, you’re a spineless piece of shit, just like she always said you were. That’s why you can’t hate her. You like being abused. That’s what this is! You probably would have stayed with me if I was more like her.

Joe: (deeply hurt) Jesus, you’re making me feel horrible, Janet.

Janet: (loudly) Good! I wish you felt worse!

Joe: But I can still love you. I can. That’s the difference between my mind and yours, Janet. I can forgive you for everything you just said about Mum. 

Janet: (sarcastically) Yes, you can forgive me for telling you Jodie Green is trying to take advantage of you. How kind of you, Joe. 

Joe: (contemptuously) I can forgive you even though I think you’re a selfish, nasty, pompous and unforgiving little bitch. And you know what else? I can still love you. I can still love you even though I never want to see you again! 

Janet: (with disdain) I don’t fucking care! You don’t love people for the right reasons.

Joe: I don’t love people because of reasons. No one has to earn my love.

Janet: And that’s why you love your evil fucking mother. That’s why you won’t listen to me. 

Joe: (sarcastically) Maybe I find it hard to put faith in the wisdom of psychopaths. 

Janet: Well, you invited me here, so you’re going to hear that wisdom anyway. You’re an enabler, Joe. You’re deluded. You’re easy to manipulate. If anyone loves you in a way that’s healthy, it freaks you out. That’s why you left me. You didn’t leave me because I’m a psycho. You left me because I was good to you! I was nice to you and you had to punish me for it.

Joe: (angrily) You weren’t nice to me! None of your kindness was real! If it was real, you wouldn’t hate me now! You could forgive me the way that I can forgive you!

Janet: (shouting) You didn’t fucking forgive me! You said you didn’t want to see me again! 

Joe: (fed up and exhausted) Janet, go back home and leave me the fuck alone! Meeting you here wasn’t a good idea. I can’t talk to someone with a heart of stone.

Janet: I’m not leaving and neither are you.

Joe: What?

Janet: I’m not letting you out of this chair until I’ve said my piece.

Joe: (confused) What do you mean you’re not letting me out of my chair?

Janet: (suddenly cold and steely) Just try and get up and see what happens, Joe. Go on. 

Joe: Are you threatening me?

Janet: (with hatred in her eyes) Yes and I’m forcing you to hear me! You’re not leaving this table until you’ve heard me! You’re not getting up and going home until you’ve fucking heard me!

Joe: (rolling his eyes) I guess I don’t have a choice then. I’ll do my best to pretend I’m interested.

Janet: (angrily) Just shut up and listen to me, Joe! My brain is weird. I can’t communicate, properly. The words are stuck!

Joe: What?

Janet: (sighing) …God is cancelling me out. It’s giving me a false persona. It’s backwards… I’m thinking in reverse.

Joe: What is that supposed to mean? 

Janet: (suddenly tearing up) I can hate you… and enjoy the thought of you suffering… but at the same time, I can also love and forgive you… I can switch… I can love and be compassionate… if you just give me a minute…

Joe: (rolling his eyes) Oh fuck off, Janet…

Janet: (crying) I came here to tell you… about love and forgiveness… and my mouth won’t open… 

Joe: (loudly) I hate this shit! 

Janet: (crying) I hate you but that’s not why I came here… I needed to tell you something… about love…

Joe: (angrily) You can’t love other people!

Janet: (crying loudly) My life meant something when I loved you… and you fucking took that away from me! I needed you!

Joe: You can’t love anyone but yourself. 

Janet: (crying hysterically) I gave you everything I had…! I gave you my life…

Joe: You’re going to live alone and you’re going to die alone. 

Janet: (shouting like a crazy person) I MADE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WEREN’T ALONE!

Joe: (calmly) My mother deserves to be loved more than you, Janet. She may have abused me for most of my life, but when she’s nice, it’s real. You’re a fucking fake and don’t deserve shit.

Janet: (screaming and banging her fist) I’M NOT FAKE!!! I JUST NEEDED YOU TO LOVE ME! I’M A GOOD PERSON!

Joe: (calmly while Janet sobs) Do you remember what you told me the day we moved in together? You said you didn’t have empathy and that you’d never be remembered as anything other than an evil little cunt. You said you hurt people every day you don’t do the right thing and kill yourself. I convinced myself you were wrong, but then I realised you actually told me the truth, Janet. That’s why I broke up with you. 

You’re arrogant and intolerant and manipulative and you have no compassion for people who don’t think like you. You don’t even care about me or my mum! You care about justice and don’t give a toss who you have to hurt in order to make it happen. You’re sadistic about it – far more so than me. And that’s why you’re going to die alone, my love. You’re going to die alone with justice while rest of the world lives with love. You’re broken…

Janet: (crying desperately) I know I’m broken… but I love you so much, I–

Joe: (interrupting sternly) I know what you are now, Janet. You finally showed me what you are. I understand. The glasses are off. I can see the person sitting in front of me. 

Janet: (sobbing and shaking her head) You hurt me… because of her… I should have killed that fucking bitch…!

Joe: (interrupting) No, Janet. I hurt you because I decided not to love you anymore. You’re bad for me. I don’t even like you now.  

Upon hearing these words, Janet springs up from her chair in a rage, grabs Joe’s cake fork and quickly shoves the fork into Joe’s right eye. Joe screams as his burst cornea pops out of his eye socket and blood streams down his face.

As Janet looks at the fork protruding from Joe’s face and realises what she’s done, she starts to panic and run down the street as Joe’s piercing screams merge with the sound of the deep base of the Caribbean Carnival’s reggae beats. Janet runs away from St Martin’s Square crying, muttering under her breath, “I shouldn’t have done that. I love him. I still love him…”

Joe himself is rushed to hospital, shrieking and shaking. This is by far, the most physically painful and frightening experience of his twenty-seven years of life. But it’s also more complicated than that. It changes Joe’s mindset. On the one hand, he is both traumatised and terrified by Janet’s act of violence. But on the other hand, Joe also feels it’s incredibly important to get through the experience. The impending death of Joe’s mother Jodie motivates him to be brave and live to the best of his ability, despite having a now permanent disfigurement.

Throughout the remainder of 2004, Joe suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder while having to get used to seeing with only his left eye. But he also motivates himself to resume his normal routines and manage his stress. By the beginning of 2005, Joe is regularly writing poems and short stories again. 

Despite the terror of Janet’s violence, it relieves him of the guilt and sadness he felt over having broken up with her. Joe feels his final conversation with Janet unequivocally verified that his worst fears about her were correct. For the first time, Joe starts to believe Janet has never been anything other than an evil person. He begins to believe she never really loved him. He starts believing she only manipulated him in ways that gave him the illusion he was happy with her.

It is ironically because of Janet’s violence that Joe feels like he can move on with his life. He cannot, however, motivate himself to lose the three stone he has put on. Joe jokes about having an eye patch and tries unsuccessfully to become comfortable being a chubby man with a nice smile. He tries in vain to accept that he is no longer the gorgeous young man he was in 2002, a man Janet regularly bragged was “like a more chiselled version of Marlon Brando in a fifties Kazan film.” 

The day Janet managed to shove a cake fork into Joe’s eye, Joe also managed to convince both the police and the doctors that the entire incident was a random attack by a stranger high on drugs. Joe felt ashamed of his decision to protect Janet, as it was unjust and possibly dangerous. But much like Joe’s new eating habits, he felt it was not in his control. 

Fortunately for Janet, there were no witnesses.